The Weeping Camel

I watched this documentary about a camel who rejected her newborn after a traumatic long birth. I too had a long traumatic birth only to end up having to present myself in a hospital consenting to an unnatural circumstance of birthing, a ceserean. For months I believed it was the ceserean that had subjected me to this overwhlelming sense of hopelessness, not believing my infant son is truely mine and wishing I would never wake up in the morning. However I have taken sips of that thought and realize that it was the journey before the hospital ride, it was the pleading, the praying and the yearning to see my baby in my arms. Every push put me in disbelief that I would never see my baby, something was wrong and I could not help him. Four days later I didn't want to look at him, hold him , breath in him . I didnt know that this was happening and I find it disturbing. Suddenly he would not nurse,and would cry uncontrollably. He was sad too but determined to bring back his mother. For weeks he would cry and I would scream inside wishing I didnt have a baby. In the documentary , the camel weeps when she finally allows her colt to nurse, she surrendured as any good mother would to a will of love and sacrifice. I think of Jesus and how he carried, loved and sacrificed for all to do his fathers will. Months later I have taken small steps toward nuzzling my son, laughing with him, and talking to him while he nurses letting him know that he is my son, he shares my blood, I thank him for reminding me that no one can replace me,no one can give him my milk, my breath, my mothering. I give myself permission to be a weeping mother of surrender and peace knowing that he is a child of God , he is not mine to create dreams and plans, he is my Father's will in which I collapse and in pain, say it is finished.