Screaming with no sound

I suppose now that I am on the other end of my post partum I can sit here and dwell in my pain with gladness. My storm was HIS plan to bring me back in his arms so he could reshape me , cuddle me and well frankly , knock me down from my shiny wall of idle. Days of crying and screaming makes me shamefully stand up and realize that pain was my friend and brought me closer to my savior. I would open my eyes and tears would instantly fill them , my mouth was dry from silently praying for me to make it and not have my children in harms way. He faithfully stood near me and like a parent watched me painfully rebuild , repair, and repent. I have never felt the gleaming light of God more than ever as it laid on my back of beaten whipped wounds of pride and judgment. The soothing of his hand that pushed aside my hair while my head layed low on the dirt of my filthy fame and dishonor. In moments of the darkest of darkest, I didnt have to wait to see my savior, he stood right there , wiping my face and guarding those who wanted to harm me , tempt me, take from me....I could here something out there saying, "where is your God?" with arrogant laughter. I would scream , "Lord where are you?" "damn it reveal yourself so I am not a liar." His mercy would rain down on me and in the silence I heard him whisper his gentle self letting me know he was near, to believe, keep faith, and KNOW he is God. Raging back and forth , each day I grew in his promise . I know his promise, I believe it, I have seen it, I have felt the power of his hand switch off darkness and frightened those who were waiting....I was not spared the rod from my father and I will not forget the loving hands who shielded me from slaps of helplessness. I will not yield.

Somewhere in between....a parent and a child

Jesus talked about the narrow road...when I hear this I struggle in the idea of staying narrow, but I realize that it's not the same narrow I run from..its the two sides that keep us in so we don't become too narrow , we stay balanced, healthy, and not extreme...Once again I am in humility that God would take the time to work with me , train me and guide me through this as I parent. I find myself exactly where I want to be with him, in the middle, not extreme on both ends. I learned this on my very difficult journey with my last birth, my child. I was extreme and where I wanted to birth, how I wanted it to be, and never left the possibility that God may have other plans...after finding myself exactly where I hoped not to be , I scattered to keep my mothering in other ways... to parent a way that was comfortable and accepting to my standards,not at all asking God, "Lord please guide me" I was guiding myself straight into a spiral and before I knew it was sitting across Jesus , not with him. My son and I spiraled together and I couldn't see beyond my pride, and my desire to do things one way...Yes we all say we will do anything for our children but I can stand and admit that I wasn't willing to bend, to ask, to mold into something my child needed. It really saddens me and mostly because I look back and realize how much mothering judgement I laid on myself and then to others. I find it beautiful that God pulled me right up out of all of this, stripped me of everything, and let me crawl around for awhile as his child. At one point , I looked up and cried, asking God to hold me and carry me. And as any parent would, he swooped me up, cradled me and nursed me back to health. My thought is mothering is a beautiful and magnificent mosaic but like a mosaic , it can look and shape differently for others... I really believed in mothering through ideals, birth, nursing, and they became my extreme where I got lost, hopeless, blinded ....and my self started to run through my hands like sand, no ground, no substance ,no middle, no more....