Screaming with no sound

I suppose now that I am on the other end of my post partum I can sit here and dwell in my pain with gladness. My storm was HIS plan to bring me back in his arms so he could reshape me , cuddle me and well frankly , knock me down from my shiny wall of idle. Days of crying and screaming makes me shamefully stand up and realize that pain was my friend and brought me closer to my savior. I would open my eyes and tears would instantly fill them , my mouth was dry from silently praying for me to make it and not have my children in harms way. He faithfully stood near me and like a parent watched me painfully rebuild , repair, and repent. I have never felt the gleaming light of God more than ever as it laid on my back of beaten whipped wounds of pride and judgment. The soothing of his hand that pushed aside my hair while my head layed low on the dirt of my filthy fame and dishonor. In moments of the darkest of darkest, I didnt have to wait to see my savior, he stood right there , wiping my face and guarding those who wanted to harm me , tempt me, take from me....I could here something out there saying, "where is your God?" with arrogant laughter. I would scream , "Lord where are you?" "damn it reveal yourself so I am not a liar." His mercy would rain down on me and in the silence I heard him whisper his gentle self letting me know he was near, to believe, keep faith, and KNOW he is God. Raging back and forth , each day I grew in his promise . I know his promise, I believe it, I have seen it, I have felt the power of his hand switch off darkness and frightened those who were waiting....I was not spared the rod from my father and I will not forget the loving hands who shielded me from slaps of helplessness. I will not yield.