Jesus talked about the narrow road...when I hear this I struggle in the idea of staying narrow, but I realize that it's not the same narrow I run from..its the two sides that keep us in so we don't become too narrow , we stay balanced, healthy, and not extreme...Once again I am in humility that God would take the time to work with me , train me and guide me through this as I parent. I find myself exactly where I want to be with him, in the middle, not extreme on both ends. I learned this on my very difficult journey with my last birth, my child. I was extreme and where I wanted to birth, how I wanted it to be, and never left the possibility that God may have other plans...after finding myself exactly where I hoped not to be , I scattered to keep my mothering in other ways... to parent a way that was comfortable and accepting to my standards,not at all asking God, "Lord please guide me" I was guiding myself straight into a spiral and before I knew it was sitting across Jesus , not with him. My son and I spiraled together and I couldn't see beyond my pride, and my desire to do things one way...Yes we all say we will do anything for our children but I can stand and admit that I wasn't willing to bend, to ask, to mold into something my child needed. It really saddens me and mostly because I look back and realize how much mothering judgement I laid on myself and then to others. I find it beautiful that God pulled me right up out of all of this, stripped me of everything, and let me crawl around for awhile as his child. At one point , I looked up and cried, asking God to hold me and carry me. And as any parent would, he swooped me up, cradled me and nursed me back to health. My thought is mothering is a beautiful and magnificent mosaic but like a mosaic , it can look and shape differently for others... I really believed in mothering through ideals, birth, nursing, and they became my extreme where I got lost, hopeless, blinded ....and my self started to run through my hands like sand, no ground, no substance ,no middle, no more....
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Jessica, I found YOU! I love this post. I have been right where you are on a number of occassions. i have had four C-Sections, the first two I was ashamed of. Sad, huh? I thought it was not as good as a natural birth. However, God had a different plan for my body and my childrens deliveries. I have had four very successful, happy C-Sections and not longer condem myself for them. My babies are just as they should be and so were those deliveries. It was the girl in the mirror that needed reminding, again, who is in charge. Thanks for this gentl reminder once again as we go into a busy time week. I appreciate your sharing.
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